They Grow So Fast

I can't believe Squirt is 16 days old.  I can't believe that's 2 weeks.  I can't believe I only have 50 more weeks with her as a "baby".  I can't tear myself away from her - I hold her when I don't have to and I stare at her when I should be watching a movie.  I ignore my blog and my laundry so I can try to stuff as much of this into my memory as possible.

It's like I'm re-living each older kiddo's infancy through her... I look down at her nursing and see Jack and Addie.  When she smiles, I see Jordan.  (And yes, I'm considering it a smile - even if it's caused by gas, it's still a smile.)  When Jack was 16 days old, I had no idea what I was doing.  Nursing was challenging and I didn't know how to burp him properly and we were facing a deployment and each day, though wonderful, was also riddled with mini-crises and a sprinkling of panic.  With the twins, at this point, Jordan had only been home from the NICU for a short while and we were just realizing that she had problems with reflux.  I spent far less time than I wanted to snuggling each girl and relishing her presence because I was juggling a much younger, much less independent Jack plus the demands of caring for two newborns and coping with Justin's high-demand job.  I felt guilty when I lingered too long with one twin or the other and I rarely wore them because wearing two was such a task and I felt like I was robbing one of them of time if I wore her sister.  From the outset with them, they were more content to snuggle with one another than with me and in general, I bonded with them in brief spurts over a longer period of time and as a result, much of their early days is a complete blur.

But Peyton?  Peyton is all of them.  She is at once just like Jack and like her sisters.  I am an experienced mom who fluently speaks "crying" and interprets her needs with ease and confidence.  I can sling her in as much time as I can ask, "can you pick her up?" and I can cook a 3-course meal 1-handed while singing "Old MacDonald" to the older kids and playing a game of kick-and-catch with our mini soccer ball.  I can function on 2.5 hours of sleep a night for a week, as long as I get a few 4-hour chunks every now and then.  I am busy but not overwhelmed (thanks, truthfully, in large part to amazing friends who have helped with meals... I can't take ALL the credit!) and I realize more than with the other 3 kids that these days are fleeting.  Laundry will always pile up, but she won't always fit in Justin's hand like a handful of candy.  The counters will always have mysterious sticky stuff on them, but she won't always murmur contentedly at my breast when she's full of milk.  I can always shower and do my hair, but she won't always smell that that ubiquitous combination of powder, rubbing alcohol and love. 

I love that I can lift her to my face and put a kiss on her rosebud lips and watch her purse them and then realize it's me and turn her cheek into my hand with her mouth open ready to nurse.  I love that we can offer her a finger and she grasps it automatically and unquestioningly the way we love her automatically and unquestioningly.  I love that her eyes study us with the innocent fascination of an infant, but there is also a sense of familiarity in her gaze as if she's know us for far longer than 16 days.  I love that she's here and I cannot fathom how I'll get through the bittersweet thrill of each milestone over the next 50 weeks.  (And, to be sure, every year after that as well...)  I love that she makes me love my other 3 even more deeply.  And I love that I feel like God placed her within me because He knew that Peyton would bring me closer to Him and intensify my love for our family as well as for Him and make me a better mother, daughter, sister, wife and friend. 

I love.

And while she will grow quickly, I hope that I do too.  I hope I don't miss anything.  I hope I can remember to remember.

Because they grow so fast...

Black and White Wednesday hosted by Lisa!

Sweet Peyton

Want more of Peyton?  So do I.  I have more photos, but apparently I'm out of space on Blogger... so... suggestions...? 

Want more black and whites?  Check out Lisa's blog.

Seriously, I cannot get enough of this sweet face.  The cheeks, the sweet fuzzy head, the angelic smell, the perfection of her...

I'm on cloud nine...

Sigh.

More Photos!

These are all straight from the camera... I haven't (okay, let's be serious... I probably won't have oodles of free time right now) had a chance to edit anything, so let's not critique any photographic skill (or lack there-of) hm?  Thanks!  Enjoy!

Big Sister Addie loves her...

St. Patty's Day duck feeding... also, the day I realized my "baby" girls are so big... Sigh.

In which I marvel at the perfection of a 3 day old baby...

Getting Settled

I've got all the boxes in the house unpacked (the garage has some work we need to do, but we'll get there) and things have a home.  I'm reluctant to start hanging pictures because I want everything to be perfect of course, but we're getting closer.  Blinds are all up and I've got the curtains in Jack's and in the Girls' room hung.  But we're settled in as much as I wanted to be before the baby gets here.  She's going to sleep in our room in the Pack 'n Play for a little while - we're going to buy the girls big girl beds soon and transition them in the next few months so littlest one can have the crib when her big sisters are done with it.  But I'm happy with the progress!

  

See?  No denying this is my house.  A giant pile of laundry - it's as essential as a toilet.

 

The cube-system's purpose is supposed to be to stem the flow of toys from the playroom into the living room... So far, I don't know how well it works.  I think it does okay but the toys still invade.  Always with the toys.

 

I LOVE the guest bathroom!

We're loving it so far!

16 Days Away

My due date.

It's 16 days away.

Doubt I'll go that far, but still... 16 days.  Wow.  Sounds like an eternity to me when you figure that also equals 16 sleepless nights of contractions.

But when I look at my older three and realize I've only got 16 days of "exclusive" snuggling with them, it seems like an absurdly scant amount of time.

And when I think that I have only 16 days of pregnancy left in my whole life... when my whole life HAS been reproduction for the last 5 years, it seems like a blink.  More bittersweet...ness.

I want to see my baby girl.  I want to feel her weight on my chest (instead of my crotch, thanks) and inhale her sweet smell and learn about who she is (you know, besides someone who gets massively irritated by hiccups and curls up against her daddy's hand when she feels him) and introduce her to three very excited siblings.  I want to go into labor and enjoy the feeling of my body doing it's amazing job of bringing a life into this world.  I want to sigh that satisfied, contented sigh of peace and thanksgiving when I hear her cry and know that I have done what nature set me out to do 40 weeks ago.

But I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss feeling the beautiful roundness of my belly.  I'm going to miss her kicks and wiggles and knowing that she's mine to enjoy and that I'm keeping her safe and secure and she wants for nothing right now.  I can't let her down or not fulfill her needs right now.

At 36 weeks, my sonogram showed that she was 6lbs 7oz.  Last week, at 37 weeks, I was 70%, 3 and -2.  I have another appointment on Thursday... We'll see how that one goes... I've had so many contractions that I can't imagine I'll have to wait 16 days to say, "Honey, it's time."

This pregnancy has been rough in terms of it running concurrent with the raising of 3 kids 3 and under, building a house, and being my 4th baby in as many years.  But it's also been a beautiful experience - one for which many women pray and for which I am extraordinarily grateful... It has felt right from the beginning and it has given me a glorious, comfortable "full" feeling in my heart... one that assures me that we are complete with this baby and that I can tell my body "thank you" and release it from its duty of bearing children - proud and satisfied that each one of my "bumps" has yielded a perfect pregnancy.

So, for now, I wait.  I lay at night with my hands resting atop my belly or against Justin's back with our baby nestled between us, snug and secure, anxious, but at peace.  I hold my big kiddos on my lap and listen to them giggle when New Baby greets them with kicks and punches.  And I trust that things will happen on their own time since, from the outset of this, none of it has been in my control anyway.

Done! It's Done!

Finishing up the house and moving in has occupied all of our time over the last two weeks... which explains my huge lapse in posts.  On top of that, my household got hammered with illness atop illness, with disease hitting us one after the other.  I'm just now getting back on my (pregnant, tired) feet and getting some semblance of order back in my life as we settle in and get ready for Jack's birthday party and the arrival of Baby (3 weeks out!).  I'll have some more decent posts in the next few days, but for now, here's how the house project turned out, in pictures!  Enjoy - we are!  It's absolutely perfect for us and we couldn't be happier with it - the kids are beyond content and extraordinarily giddy.  We all have smiled more in the last week than I remember smiling in a while!  Once I get it all put together (it's a work in progress!) I'll post final pictures! Thanks for sticking with us!

 I think this is the last time any of you saw the house...

 Here it is, all ready to move into!

 Hi, 35 weeks!

 Home, sweet home!