Deep Conversations in the Grocery Store

I hate - hate - checking out at the grocery store with kids in tow.  The narrowness of the lane, the brightly-colored candy displays, the smutty Cosmopolitan magazine covers raising questions I don't really want to answer ("Mom, what does 's-e-x' spell?"), etc.

This weekend, my un-doing was the Time magazine with Osama Bin Laden's face on the cover with a big, red "X" across it.

Jack asked, "Mom, why does that guy's face have an X on it?" 

"Because he's gone."

"Where did he go?"

"Uuuuuh... well, he's not alive anymore."

"So he went with Jesus Christ?"

"Um, no."

"Where did he go then?  Why did he die?"

At this point, Justin was looking at me with that annoying "better you than me" face he gets when I am forced to navigate the murky waters of moral education of our children as he stacked box after box of Rice-a-Roni on the conveyor belt and played peek-a-boo with the girls.  I mouthed "douche" at him and turned back to my questioning son.

"Jack, honey, that man was very bad.  He was a bad guy.  He hurt lots and lots of people so our good Army guys had to go and kill him.  He's not in Heaven because he sinned too much."

"But we shouldn't kill!  He did sins?  We don't shoot people.  We don't kill people!"

Sigh.  Great.  So now I'm forced to try to explain a dichotomy that I don't quite understand myself to a 4-year-old and hope that he doesn't apply the same logic to issues at home - I can hear it now: "I hit Jordan because she was hitting Addie and Addie needed me to protect her and hitting was the only thing I could do."

So I did what any self-respecting, loving parent would do...

"Look at all the candy, Jack!"

"Wow! Can I have some Skittles?!"

Phew.  Crisis averted.

I Did It!

I have always believed in working hard and following my heart. 

And I've always believed in giving everything I can for my family.

So, when I felt the pull to turn my photography passion into a business, I did.  With the support of my family, I began putting together a business plan, researching tax laws and local photography rates.  I prayed and pondered and stayed up late night after night building a website and planning marketing strategy - hoping against hope that I have the talent and gumption to make it work.

Wish me luck as I don yet another hat...

(And while you're at it, please visit my website, my blog, and my Facebook page - thanks!)

Making Mommyhood Sexy...

...is totally not what this post is about.  At all.

I am not a sexy beast right now.  Unless "sexy" equals weird-smelling, rumpled, spit-up crusted, messy-bunned zombie.

Obviously, then, I'm right up your alley.

I'm pretty sure I've been wearing the same cami/shirt combo for about 4 days.  Maybe 5.  I can't tell.  I could probably do carbon-dating on the various spit-stains on the shoulders and figure it out if I cared to.  Occasionally I swap out the pants - PJ's for most of the time, maternity jeans for those occasions that require a public appearance - but truthfully, even that is only because they get wet from bathwater and I can't stand the feeling of cold, soggy pants any longer. 

(I'm almost afraid to change clothes in case Peyton no longer recognizes me as her mother.)

It's not that I look hideous... it's just that I've got about 4 shirts that look good and are comfortable and give quick access to boobs.  And once I find something that works, why change?  Right?  Right.  That's what I'll tell myself. 

Because yesterday, I rolled out of bed in my jeans.  Yep.  Jeans.  I wore jeans to bed and didn't even realize it.  I shrugged and just kept going. 

It's all about convenience.

The best part of all this?  Less.  Laundry. 

I hate laundry, so this is flipping fantastic.  So much so that I don't bat an eyelash when I use my shirt hem for a burp rag.  (Don't worry, I draw the line at using it as a baby wipe during a diaper change.  Barely.)  Even LESS laundry.  Bonus!

This is not sexy or cool or fashionable, and I'm totally aware of this.  But by the time I stuff 16 wiggling limbs through 16 cruelly-small holes and cover 8 adorable little butt cheeks with undies or diapers and find 8 socks and 6 shoes and create 4 pig tails, figuring out how to make my squishy butt fit in anything designer or making a cute shirt nursing-friendly isn't high on my priority list. 

Besides, honestly, it doesn't matter how hawt I may or may not look... when I'm out in public with my zoo, people are going to look at me like I'm crazy.  (And I've gotten both the "Wow, good thing you neglect your kids to put on makeup" comments and the "wow, good thing you don't care about your appearance" comments so someone will always be unhappy.)

So you won't find me looking like Grace Kelly any time soon... but you won't find me losing any sleep over it either.  Friends, yes, I might lose friends over it.  But then again, I'm always nice to have around so I can be that girl that everyone keeps around to make themselves feel better.  I'm sweet like that.

My Dog-In-Law

It's no secret that I love dogs.  LOVE them.  I want one in the worst way...

But for now, my MIL and FIL and their dog are visiting so I'm getting my 4-legged snuggle fix (from the dog, not the combo of MIL and FIL, mind you) and it makes me very very happy.

Look at this face!  Gah!  How can you not love this mug?!?!

My kids love him and he seems to adore them... when he's not looking at me with soulful eyes that seem to say, "How do you keep up with these guys?: he is following them faithfully around.  (He's probably waiting for that gummy Cheez-It to fall off the hem of a t-shirt, but oh well, it's still cute.)

Anyway, I'm going to go give a belly rub and fix breakfast, so I'll point you towards I Heart Faces to look at the other adorable pet photos for this week's entry in their photo challenge!  Have a great day!

Baby Grins and Momma's Tears

Peyton just rewarded me with a giant-cheeked, crescent-eyed toothless grin. 

I thought my heart would burst.  So I bawled my eyes out instead, soaking her chubby cheeks as I kissed her over and over again.

How in the world is it possible to love so much?

And how in the world is is possible that I will wake up tomorrow and find my love for my family even stronger? 

I am so blessed.

They Grow So Fast

I can't believe Squirt is 16 days old.  I can't believe that's 2 weeks.  I can't believe I only have 50 more weeks with her as a "baby".  I can't tear myself away from her - I hold her when I don't have to and I stare at her when I should be watching a movie.  I ignore my blog and my laundry so I can try to stuff as much of this into my memory as possible.

It's like I'm re-living each older kiddo's infancy through her... I look down at her nursing and see Jack and Addie.  When she smiles, I see Jordan.  (And yes, I'm considering it a smile - even if it's caused by gas, it's still a smile.)  When Jack was 16 days old, I had no idea what I was doing.  Nursing was challenging and I didn't know how to burp him properly and we were facing a deployment and each day, though wonderful, was also riddled with mini-crises and a sprinkling of panic.  With the twins, at this point, Jordan had only been home from the NICU for a short while and we were just realizing that she had problems with reflux.  I spent far less time than I wanted to snuggling each girl and relishing her presence because I was juggling a much younger, much less independent Jack plus the demands of caring for two newborns and coping with Justin's high-demand job.  I felt guilty when I lingered too long with one twin or the other and I rarely wore them because wearing two was such a task and I felt like I was robbing one of them of time if I wore her sister.  From the outset with them, they were more content to snuggle with one another than with me and in general, I bonded with them in brief spurts over a longer period of time and as a result, much of their early days is a complete blur.

But Peyton?  Peyton is all of them.  She is at once just like Jack and like her sisters.  I am an experienced mom who fluently speaks "crying" and interprets her needs with ease and confidence.  I can sling her in as much time as I can ask, "can you pick her up?" and I can cook a 3-course meal 1-handed while singing "Old MacDonald" to the older kids and playing a game of kick-and-catch with our mini soccer ball.  I can function on 2.5 hours of sleep a night for a week, as long as I get a few 4-hour chunks every now and then.  I am busy but not overwhelmed (thanks, truthfully, in large part to amazing friends who have helped with meals... I can't take ALL the credit!) and I realize more than with the other 3 kids that these days are fleeting.  Laundry will always pile up, but she won't always fit in Justin's hand like a handful of candy.  The counters will always have mysterious sticky stuff on them, but she won't always murmur contentedly at my breast when she's full of milk.  I can always shower and do my hair, but she won't always smell that that ubiquitous combination of powder, rubbing alcohol and love. 

I love that I can lift her to my face and put a kiss on her rosebud lips and watch her purse them and then realize it's me and turn her cheek into my hand with her mouth open ready to nurse.  I love that we can offer her a finger and she grasps it automatically and unquestioningly the way we love her automatically and unquestioningly.  I love that her eyes study us with the innocent fascination of an infant, but there is also a sense of familiarity in her gaze as if she's know us for far longer than 16 days.  I love that she's here and I cannot fathom how I'll get through the bittersweet thrill of each milestone over the next 50 weeks.  (And, to be sure, every year after that as well...)  I love that she makes me love my other 3 even more deeply.  And I love that I feel like God placed her within me because He knew that Peyton would bring me closer to Him and intensify my love for our family as well as for Him and make me a better mother, daughter, sister, wife and friend. 

I love.

And while she will grow quickly, I hope that I do too.  I hope I don't miss anything.  I hope I can remember to remember.

Because they grow so fast...

Black and White Wednesday hosted by Lisa!

Sweet Peyton

Want more of Peyton?  So do I.  I have more photos, but apparently I'm out of space on Blogger... so... suggestions...? 

Want more black and whites?  Check out Lisa's blog.

Seriously, I cannot get enough of this sweet face.  The cheeks, the sweet fuzzy head, the angelic smell, the perfection of her...

I'm on cloud nine...

Sigh.