A Little Too Intrepid?

See, I think of these ideas that ALWAYS seem simple and straight-forward when I think of them.

Very rarely is that ever ACTUALLY the case.

Take, for example, my garden in Georgia: 6'x24' box filled with dirt... insert seeds, add water, enjoy veggies. Brilliant! Well, add in the never-ending battle against weeds, weird vines, mysterious bugs, birds, stray dogs, blistering heat and unpredictable changes in soil pH and you've got yourself a full-time endeavour.

Making home videos always turns out to be a royal pain; mixed media file types being incompatible with editing software, iTunes versus .mp3 files, funky sound layering... blah blah blah it's just a Herculean effort to edit it, let alone burn it to a DVD.

Even making dinner is always complicated by something like a fully loaded dishwasher that for some reason didn't run, a toddler that decided to steal the cheese I needed to grate off the counter for a snack for himself and his rabbit pal, still-frozen meat I thought was fully thawed, etc.

Therefore, when I made the statement to Justin that "oh, don't worry about buying a new chair for the twins' nursery... I'll just make a slipcover for the chair we had in Jack's room," I can't believe I didn't already hear the alarm bells blaring in the back of my mind. I don't know what possesses me to make flippant, off-hand statements like that and actually believe that it won't immediately turn into a giant nightmare. Am I incapable of learning from experience? Do I honestly believe that any project will be a matter of "oh I'll just do ____"? Is it a matter of me convincing myself that THIS is the ONE - the project that will really be as simple as it sounds?

Honestly, I don't know the answer. All I know is that a slipcover sounded easy to make. Step 1: Buy sheet. Step 2: Drape over chair. Step 3: Gather and pin in appropriate places. Step 4: Sew seams. Step 5: Embellish with ribbon. Viola! A slipcovered chair that matches the decor of the nursery! When I made it match Jack's room, I actually re-upholstered the cushions that came with the chair when we bought it (for $100 in college) which was exhausting work. Slipcovering sounded WAY easier because the fabric would only be sewn to itself, not to the cushions themselves.

Um. Buying the sheet was easy, and so was draping it over the chair, but so far, after nearly an hour, I have the fabric gathered and pinned at ONE corner of ONE arm. And I'm realizing that there is really no hope of symmetry in this project, either. Or of finishing before they're born... before they're 12. Having a little more knowledge and experience would probably be useful, but where, exactly do you find a class on "how to make a slipcover for a random chair that you're too cheap to just replace"?

Oh, and let me add that I don't own a sewing machine. So once I DO actually get this thing to look mildly decent with the 400 safety pins I purchased, I will be sewing the whole thing by hand... old-fashioned style. Because I have nothing but time on my hands?

What was I THINKING?

The Dirtiest Text I Ever Sent Justin

"Cox coming tomorrow to check out the box. Couldn't do it over the phone... it must be firm. No we aren't paying for them to come."

Let me interpret: Cox is our cable company and our DVR receiver box is on the fritz. They tried to update the software over the phone, but it didn't work because it's most likely the firmware and they have to update that themselves., in person, or else replace the box. I abbreviated firmware to "firm" to save time, but it all just ended up looking like an absolutely filthy message. And because this is a problem with their junk (hehehe, see, I can't stop now) not ours, we shouldn't have to pay for the service call.

So, despite my juvenile sense of humor and love of all innuendos and fart jokes, this is actually an entirely innocent message that just looks amazingly lascivious. Either way, it should put a smile on Justin's face at work.

Ginormous Belly

25ish weeks.

I'm very proud of my stretchmarklessness.

It takes much hard work to cultivate a stomach this large.

I realized the other day that I have 4 arms and 4 legs in there (along with some heads and torsos and the like, of course) so basically I'm gestating an octopus... I'm sure all gestators of octopi get double chins, so I'm going to not stress about mine and assume it'll go away soon enough. Right? Right. (And I'll find a way to punch you in the face if you point out that it'll only get worse before it gets better.)

Well... We'll Call It Nesting

... Yeah.... because "nesting" sounds LOADS better than "psychotic". My random project du jour is painting my downstairs bathroom (well, "water closet" since it's about 3'x5' and holds a toilet and a sink smaller than your Nalgene bottle). Why? Well, I got tired to trying to convince myself that the grime in the 102-year-old bathroom is on the Historic Register and that I should respect that it has adorned the pure-white walls for longer than I've been potty-trained. Honestly, I was in that bathroom scrubbing a different surface every other day and every time I sat down to pee, I stewed over the dingy walls and how the glaring white made everything else look all the more gross. So I decided to give up on bleach and toss in the (paper) towel and paint it instead.

So that's what I'm doing. My back is killing me and my fat stomach has smears of paint on the very front of it because the room is too small to accommodate my mass without touching the walls, but with enough coats, I'll get there.

If only I weren't obsessive about cleanliness.

We'll just chalk it up to nesting...

Coherent? Probably not.

Oh wow, I had no idea how tired a person could be without running a marathon or climbing a mountain. It's absurd, but I'm struggling to even walk to the kitchen to get coffee. The Gaz fam got in the other night at like 3 am and the girls wouldn't let me sleep between bedtime and then thanks to their decision to have a multi-hour fist-fight, and then Justin's alarm clock and Jack wouldn't let me sleep after that so I lost a full night's sleep. I got a decent one last night but apparently it wasn't enough...

My college-self would be ashamed. I could function so much better after two all-nighters back then than I am now. Am I that old?

So right now Jack is destroying the play room by evenly coating the floor with his 8,000 pieces of wooden train track and all the corresponding trains while Toy Story plays in the background. It looks like Hurricane Katrina hit the Island of Sodor. Oh, what, too soon with the Katrina joke? Whatever.

I got Jack's hair cut at the barber shop at the NEX today and it looks horrendous. My poor little surfer kiddo with a Jim Halpert-like shag has been transformed into a geek who got into a losing fight with rogue weed-whacker. The dude cut the hair over the cow-lick(s) to a scant 1 mm or so... can't wait to see what THAT looks like as it grows out... and the rest of his hair is in varying length chunks with no regard to the nuances of blond in his hair. The effect makes him look... kinda... calico. Or patchwork. Not sure which. It's a little sad in a funny sort of way. At least it'll appease Justin for long enough for me to a) let it grow back out and b) find another place to take him that has some sense of style... or at least some sense of quality over quantity which was probably my biggest mistake in choosing the barbershop on the largest Naval Base on the Atlantic coast. Hm... Possibly a lapse of judgment resulting from the aforementioned exhaustion.

Note to self: get sufficient rest before I attempt to get my hair styled.

Oh well, at least we have the Gazareks here!

My $405.10 Toilet Flush

Today is just one of those days... you know - the ones where nothing goes right? It's a huge bummer, too, because I actually started it off thinking it would be a productive, happy, efficient day. I mean, I got up at a decent hour, ate my breakfast, did my web-stalking, and went up to shower - all before Jack got up! And I even shaved my legs for the first time in about 5 weeks (feeling a bit guilty with every stroke of the razor that I didn't call Locks of Love before I started...) for no special reason other than I wanted to put a little extra effort (okay, a LOT... I'm not very good at reaching my legs anymore) into my getting-ready routine. I mean, I'm not going to subject the world to my white, somewhat bloated-looking legs anytime soon (unless, of course, there is a massive power-outage and someone needs a self-contained source of illumination, in which case my frighteningly white skin would be much-appreciated) but I figured I'd feel better for having smooth legs. After that, I even put lotion on my feet. And that's almost a bigger deal than the leg-shaving considering I basically have no relationship with my feet at all any longer. Really. I'd say what we have going is a sort of acquaintance-ship. I feel mild, occasional curiosity (as in: hm, feet, are you still down there?) mixed with slight distaste (oh, yes, there you are... looking... uuuugh) that never matures into enough of one or the other for me to do anything about the fact that they're perhaps more frightening than 5 weeks worth of leg fur. But anyway, I put lotion on them. After I shaved my legs. Monday was looking to be a banner day for me.

I had a whole to-do list (written in crayon on construction paper, but whatev) and I was excited about getting started on it... I worked through another chapter of school... I even got to go to the bathroom (big deal for us Preggo's)...

............and discovered that my water has been turned off.

WHAT?!

Okay it sucks that I couldn't flush. But I also chose last night to wash all of the pitchers that usually hold filtered drinking water in our fridge. They're all in the sink in soapy water, soaking. As in, NOT holding drinking water. And I'm pregnant AND I have a toddler who drinks cup after cup of water.

Again: WHAT?!

So the to-do list immediately got replaced by the pressing matter of straightening this mess out. Only thing I could do was march my be-lotioned feet into the city office and plunk down $70 to get it fixed. Well, when I discovered an outstanding bill at this address from 2007, $70 quickly turned into $380.10 because I had to clear the debt of $310.10 before I could start services again in my name.

WHAT?!

Additionally (and here's where I'm glad I shaved my legs because after enough tantrum-ing and stomping of feet, chafing does become an issue) absurd is that, in the ludicrous amount of time it took to get all of this nonsense figured out, I was issued a $25 parking ticket while I was in office because I couldn't leave to go re-up the meter and who would have thought that paying a $70 deposit would take more than 30 minutes?

So now we're up to $405.10.

It's 3:58 pm now and the water just got turned on and I basically drank a gallon of it as soon as I could, but I can assure you that I am entirely devoid of energy to devote to my to-do list right now. My anger and frustration and a fair degree of dehydration have crushed my drive, as has the realization that, smooth lower-body aside, today really is just another stupid Monday and I will make certain that in the future I refrain from espousing any kind of hope or joy on this particular day of the week. I had figured that, surely, since I don't work, there is no way that the fabled "Monday Blues" could affect me... just another day of the week, right? Well, apparently, Universe, I was wrong. And I am sorry. Next time I shave my legs, I will wait until Wednesday at the earliest.

I don't often just blog to vent about my crappy life because, really, I don't have a crappy life at all. But there are days when my frustration level gets so high that I really REALLY need to type it all out in hopes of making enough room to take a deep breath.

So I'm off to go make my chicken-noodle soup (which is a MUCH easier meal to prepare when I have water)... Tomorrow's another day.

Oh Yeah, Biotches? MY Top 10...

Not to be out-done, here are the top 10 out of the infinite number of reasons I love my husband beyond reason.

1. I am unrestrictedly myself around him at all times. He is the only person I have ever been able to say that about.

2. I know that we would do absolutely anything for each other. And I know that he would do absolutely anything for his children. And I know that there would never be any hesitation.

3. We actually get into arguments over who gets to die first.

4. When he's gone, I even miss the smell of his farts when I roll over at night and realize I've made the blankets gap.

5. He's a stud. ;-)

6. He makes me want to be a better person in all aspects of my life by setting an example I can only hope to come close to meeting.

7. Because I am lucky enough to have him as the father of our children, I don't have to worry that they'll grow up to be amazing individuals.

8. There is no better cure for any ailment - mental, physical, emotional - than being able to snuggle up to him at the end of the day... he has cured many a migraine with the sound of his heartbeat.

9. I am crying writing this because I'm pretty sure I don't deserve him and I know I don't tell him all of these things often enough, but he understands how much I love him because we don't even need words anymore to communicate our feelings.

10. I have been in love with him since I first saw him in Engineering 111 freshman year. My cousin Carolyn can attest to the fact that my pulse actually sped up at the prospect of seeing him, and it still does, to this day.

11. I need to write more than 10 reasons.

12. He is proud of me - not because I am a trophy wife or because I bring in loads of money or win prizes - but because he knows how hard I've worked to accomplish what I have. And he values every single thing I've done, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

I really could keep going. But you've had enough.

Happy Barfing!