Kids Are Funny...

...or maybe I'll just laugh at anything. 

Jack (following a big tantrum): "Momma, look at me.  I'm so cute!  Don't kill me."

**

Jack: "I have to fart."
Me: "Well, go ahead!"
Jack: "I'm going to fart on you."
Me: "No, fart on Daddy; he likes it."
Jack: "Yeah, he's really stinky!"

**

Me: "Jack, let's get ready for bed."
Jack: "Actually, you can do that. I'm going to sleep here (gestures to laundry basket) okay?  Sound good? I thought so."

**

Me: "Jordan, we don't throw our plate on the floor."
Addie: "Uh oh."
Jack: "Yeah, uh oh Addie, you're next."
Jordan: "Uh oh."
Addie: Cries

**

Jack: "Momma, how's your penis this morning?"
Me: "Jack, Momma doesn't have a penis."
Jack: "A monster ate it off?"
Me: "No, God gave me a vagina instead."
Jack: (after a pause) "Well.... that's no fun."

**

Jack: (patting the top of my head while I help him tie shoes) "I like your hair, Momma."
Me: "Aw, thank you Jack.  I like your hair too.  What color is your hair?"
Jack: "Um, yellow!"
Me: "Good, you have BLOND hair!  What color is my hair?"
Jack: (Contemplates) "Brown!  Wait... actually... brown and WHITE! (picks a long gray hair to show me)"

**

Jack: (comes out of his room at bedtime to use the bathroom, but is told by Justin that I'm occupying the toilet in our bathroom) So I have to use the other potty?
Justin: "Yes, you do."
Jack: (sighs) Fine, but you go tell Momma not to put her fat butt in MY bed then."

**

Me: "Jack, hurry  up, we have to get to school."
Jack: "I'm coming Momma!" (Continues to dink around)
Me: "Jack, now!"
Jack: "Oh just drive faster - it's okay!"

**

Jack: "Can I say hi to the baby?"
Me: "Sure, honey, come here."
Jack: (Shouting an inch from my stomach) "Hi, Baby!  You can't play with Jack's trains!"
Me: "Well, I'm glad you set that straight."
Jack: (looks sadly at his own stomach) "Momma, I don't think there's a baby in here after all."
Me: "And why not, kiddo?"
Jack: "Because mine isn't all fat like yours."

**

Jack: "Baby Addie smells like POOOOOOOOP!"
Me: "I know Jack, thanks for telling me, I'll be right there."
Jack: "You needa change her diaper."
Me: "Jack, I know, I'm coming; I need to wash chicken juice off my hands."
Jack: "Well hurry! I can't take the smell!"

**

The child makes me want to pull my hair out at least 50 times a day if not more.  But good grief I love him so darned much it's unbelievable.  I don't know if he MEANS to be funny when he says what he does, since he almost always delivers it dead-pan, but there's a twinkle in his eye that suggests that maybe he knows he's a ham.  I don't know.  All I know is I treasure him beyond all comprehension.  I love my kids and their giant personalities... Sigh.  I need to go wake them up so I can dole out some lovin'.