Wednesday, April 7, 2010

(Not At All) Wordless Wednesday

I hate that it's been so long since I last posted anything meaningful.  I hate, in fact, that my life is in chaos right now. 

I'm actually going to make a confession: I'm having a really hard time with quite a bit right now.

I know.  A chink in my SuperMom armor.

We're facing a huge - HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE - transition and the universe seems always to work in opposition to what would be the easier route for me so issues tend to require the most complicated possible solution.  And that exhausts me.  I'm feeling a little like every time I get my footing and hop up to stand tall and ride a wave, another swell knocks me down... one I didn't even see coming.  And I'm swallowing a lot of water.  I'm not drowning, exactly, but I'm certainly not surfing with any amount of grace or coordination.

Wow... it feels better to be talking about it.  Really.

I don't like to admit I need help or to acknowledge that I can't do everything for everyone always, but the other day I was clearing away lunch dishes and Jack said, "I miss you, Mama."

Ladies and gentlemen, that stopped me in my tracks.  Really?  I'm right here.  Except I'm not... not always.  I'm pretty distant and not always my perky, plucky, sassy self... and it took a 3 year old to make me realize that I'm in grave danger of missing out on the best parts of my life because I'm flailing around like a monkey on LSD trying to figure out what's going on and trying to gain some modicum of focus amidst the flurry of change going on around me.

So I'm trying.  I'm working on myself a little bit and recognizing that I'm no less of a woman or a mom or a wife, but I am looking at this as an opportunity to grow and become stronger and make sure that when I look back on this period of my life, I can be proud that I did everything I possibly could to live and to thrive and to revel in my blessings instead of exist or endure or get through "it".  You know? 

I didn't mean to pour all of that out, but I'm finding that peeling back the hard shell is refreshing and if this blog is for nothing else, it's for me. 

Gee, and all I really wanted to do was share some Easter pictures with you... wow!

10 comments:

Christine:) said...

First of all, BEAUTIFUL pictures of your gorgeous family. You guys are truly blessed.
Second of all, I've been meaning to tell you for a long time ever since you commented on my blog how I seem to "have it all together always." Ha! LOL- that is so far from the truth, and I can't emphasize it enough! Actually, I feel the same way about you- you have one more kiddo than I do, and you are in the craziness of the Navy still. What you have had to go through (and sometimes as a "single mom"- you know what I mean;) in the past few years is nothing short of incredible. You have an amazing strength, and you WILL get through this period of uncertainty, I promise. Jack and the girls love you and you are the best mom for them- God put you in this particular situation because He knows you can handle it AND you can carry your family through it as well- even if you aren't sure you can just yet.

You guys are in my prayers! Let me know if you want to talk.
Love,
C:)

Tanya said...

I. Heart. You.

Julie said...

Wow...ya know...I think I hear ya, totally. It's so easy to come across on our blogs as if life is all peachy. I mentioned yesterday on mine...that it's not, and it feels good.

Thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. Hang in there. Trial makes us stronger, if we let it!

Your children are so cute. I loved your pictures!

Kates Everyday Notes said...

Your children are adorable!!! It is perfectly normal to doubt yourself or feel distant in this motherhood journey. (At least that is what I keep telling myself) I can totally relate! Looking back, I realize that I go through phases where I feel guilty for just going through the motions. What I have learned is that I need those phases to be perky, alert, and present the rest of the time. You have the most demanding job in the world right now so cut yourself some slack and know that even when chaos is present you are still a GREAT Mommy! Hope you feel better soon!
~Kate

Sonora said...

I have been thinking about you and hoping you were doing ok over the last week or so. It is ok to not be super mom. I don't think any of us really are. Sometimes all we can do is try and give it our best shot.
The good news is, your kids are small and kids are so forgiving. What he said I'm sure was spoken out of love. They will never remember the little things we don't do right, but they will remember how much we loved them and the times we spent with them.
I feel for you, I really really do. I wish there was something earth changing I could say to you. Just know that someone in Utah thinks you are a fantastic person and a wonderful mother and that I wish I lived across the street so I could give you a hug and help you with whatever you needed help with. I am ALWAYS here to talk if you need anything.

Kate said...

Beautiful photos of beautiful children.

Melis... my heart is heavy for you right now. I will be praying for you and I want you to know that if you want someone to talk to (or talk AT) I am here for you. You are so wonderful and kind and encouraging to me, and I would be honoured to give some of that back to you.

Big hugs.

Arizona Mamma said...

Melis,

Love the pictures. They are beauties...all of them.

I have said to you before (pretty sure I have) that I am constantly floored at the profound things our kids say. Jack is a treasure, for certain.

As for the supermom thing...that's it...deal's off, I can't hang with you anymore if you are not the all together woman I made you out to be. It just shatters all that is right in my world.

Really, no mom is supermom...but EVERY mom is supermom. That makes no sense unless I explain my meaning. To ourselves, we are inadequate. Always will be I think. To our children, if we let ourselves be, we are always supermoms...always will be (I think).

Jess said...

HI... just visited your blog for the first time (someome posted a link on BabyCenter). Your family is beautiful and I love your tips for making baby food. I make all of my daughter's food, too. :)

Marny Nixon said...

I just stumbled across your blog by pressing the "next blog" option. You have expressed how I feel 100% I have a 2.5 year old and 11 month old twins and have just started to try and do some work from home - bad idea. Like one very smart lady once said, we can have it all, just not all at once! take care.

Alli said...

I have sent you a comment or 2 in the past-I like to read you blog as we have children about the same ages. Thanks for posting this-I feel the same way and am having a lot of marriage trouble and that can make me feel heavy as a Mama! I just am glad to hear that I am not the only one!

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