16 Days Away

My due date.

It's 16 days away.

Doubt I'll go that far, but still... 16 days.  Wow.  Sounds like an eternity to me when you figure that also equals 16 sleepless nights of contractions.

But when I look at my older three and realize I've only got 16 days of "exclusive" snuggling with them, it seems like an absurdly scant amount of time.

And when I think that I have only 16 days of pregnancy left in my whole life... when my whole life HAS been reproduction for the last 5 years, it seems like a blink.  More bittersweet...ness.

I want to see my baby girl.  I want to feel her weight on my chest (instead of my crotch, thanks) and inhale her sweet smell and learn about who she is (you know, besides someone who gets massively irritated by hiccups and curls up against her daddy's hand when she feels him) and introduce her to three very excited siblings.  I want to go into labor and enjoy the feeling of my body doing it's amazing job of bringing a life into this world.  I want to sigh that satisfied, contented sigh of peace and thanksgiving when I hear her cry and know that I have done what nature set me out to do 40 weeks ago.

But I'm going to miss it.

I'm going to miss feeling the beautiful roundness of my belly.  I'm going to miss her kicks and wiggles and knowing that she's mine to enjoy and that I'm keeping her safe and secure and she wants for nothing right now.  I can't let her down or not fulfill her needs right now.

At 36 weeks, my sonogram showed that she was 6lbs 7oz.  Last week, at 37 weeks, I was 70%, 3 and -2.  I have another appointment on Thursday... We'll see how that one goes... I've had so many contractions that I can't imagine I'll have to wait 16 days to say, "Honey, it's time."

This pregnancy has been rough in terms of it running concurrent with the raising of 3 kids 3 and under, building a house, and being my 4th baby in as many years.  But it's also been a beautiful experience - one for which many women pray and for which I am extraordinarily grateful... It has felt right from the beginning and it has given me a glorious, comfortable "full" feeling in my heart... one that assures me that we are complete with this baby and that I can tell my body "thank you" and release it from its duty of bearing children - proud and satisfied that each one of my "bumps" has yielded a perfect pregnancy.

So, for now, I wait.  I lay at night with my hands resting atop my belly or against Justin's back with our baby nestled between us, snug and secure, anxious, but at peace.  I hold my big kiddos on my lap and listen to them giggle when New Baby greets them with kicks and punches.  And I trust that things will happen on their own time since, from the outset of this, none of it has been in my control anyway.