Not My Life! Monday

Taking a departure from the norm today, I think, is in order because I truly don't feel like I can be held responsible for any of the awesomeness in which I am currently steeping.  So, while MckMama's Not Me! Monday is the true name of the game, and it is supposed to exonerate us from our personal non-faux-pas, today I am paying homage to those amazing twists and turns that life throws at us and reminds us that we control absolutely no part of this carnival.

Therefore, though I may not be smart enough to change this snazzy button, let it be known that this is (drumroll, please) Not My Life! Monday.  So... you know... welcome!




Well.  I'm never overwhelmed by anything and never left clueless as to how to begin... *sigh*

So... Being that I am the luckiest person in the world and everything ALWAYS goes right for my family, I'd be shocked if we got caught in the most absurd storm I've ever seen in my life.  I further cannot imagine a scenario in which my husband would be faced with the decision to drive our Honda Civic home in said storm or wait in a soggy parking lot for me and the children to get him in our van, risking multiple cars and multiple lives.  And since I lead such a charmed existence, there is positively no way he would venture into an intersection in said car and tell me on the phone, "Oh this water is really deep!  Oh no! The check engine light is flashing!  Oh no I don't know if I can keep going... oh no, it's on steadily now... wow, it doesn't sound so good... I'm gonna keep driving and see what happens."  No, I just don't see my husband doing that, and thankfully too!  I mean, I can only postulate that when we took the car in to the dealership to have diagnostics run, it would be someone's rotten luck that they would find no evidence that water had anything to do with it and was therefore not covered under comprehensive insurance.   Bummer, right!  Thankfully, since this isn't my life, I wouldn't have gotten the phone call on the way to the dealership that went like this: "Babe, the brake light just came on.  Oh, the brakes feel really squishy.  Hm, I'll increase my spacing and use engine braking to get there... wow."  Phew - so glad this isn't me because I'm sure the dealership would explain that the brake lines totally rusted through and that the total on (uninsured) repairs will be over $1300.  Dude, that would suck.

As would finding all of this out... well, the total dollar figure and the unhelpful insurance company who believes that it's just an AMAZING coincidence that the check engine light would come on at the exact moment the car was submerged in a puddle-part of it... while I was sitting in the ER with a son who has somehow punctured his cheek with a plastic airplane wing....

...in the middle of a party...

...that I was hosting...

...the day before we were going to take Christmas card photos and 5 days before school pictures...

Good grief, that'd be a disaster!  Luckily, even if that did happen in my life, at least I wouldn't be so vain as to be very, very sad that my baby's face is going to have a scar on it forever now.  Seriously? Come on, I have priorities.

And in someone's cluster of a life in which this crap might happen, I'm pretty sure the icing on the cake would be to believe, with a fair amount of certainty, that someone stole - yes, stole - a big stack of files (past years' tax documents, idle credit card account information, Navy orders and move documents, medical files, etc.) from an upstairs bedroom.  I can't imagine coming to the conclusion that the only logical explanation for how a 4-inch stack of file folders could be totally absent, along with a favorite over-sized cardigan, is theft.  And I am so glad that this event could NEVER transpire in my life and not just be POSSIBLE, but PROBABLE considering a landlord who refuses to fix a back door that doesn't lock from the outside with a key anymore.  That would be a total disaster and if it were me, I'd demand to move out immediately, especially since the house boasts not only a non-functional door, but a wall full of wet wood that's probably growing mold and causing 3 kids' worth of respiratory ills. 

Good.  Grief. 

Like I said... Not my life!  Not my problems!  And thank goodness, too, because if it were, I'd probably be half-buckled into my straight jacket and on my way to a padded room...

... now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find someone to tighten these straps...