Monday, November 2, 2009

My Anger Migraine

More often than not my posts tend to be light-hearted and (I think) funny. I try. That's who I am. That's how I write. That's how I cope.

There isn't a lot I need to cope with. Really. I read lots of blogs and I know lots of people. And you know what? I am the first to admit that I have it easier than so many others, and also the first to be thankful for that. I mean, I am CONSTANTLY thanking God that I am as blessed as I am... and maybe that helps me cope too.

Pardon me, this is going to be a bit brain-dump-ey...

BUT every once in a while I get to the point where I need to vent. I have one of the longest fuses out there. BUT. But, that nagging little article of speech everyone dreads... But. If you read my blog on any kind of regular basis you deserve a medal you've probably noticed I haven't posted since last Monday. And before that, it had been a while... Well that's because I've been really struggling to find the funny inside because the mad inside is getting a little out of control.

And compounding the mad is the guilt I feel because, as I've said, I really don't have it bad at all. Roof over my head (albeit, a crappy, 100-year-old roof), food on the table, clothes, health... all good. So there's just this amorphous, directionless, vague anger bouncing around inside making me feel... well, ugly. Not in the sense that I feel like I could use a good makeup artist but in the "I don't like who I am" sense. I'm angry at my husband's job. I'm angry at the house I'm stuck living in. I'm angry at people who expect the world to take care of them regardless of effort or lack there-of to do anything about a situation. I'm angry at lazy people. I'm angry at... well, I don't even know, and that's the problem. I'm just mad.

Like, constantly.

And I'm doing my best to not take it out on people who don't deserve it, but that gets to be so damned difficult because I can't possibly take it out on those that do or that which does deserve my wrath. (And, for future reference, my wrath is NOT something anyone ever wants to see. I'm very good at being mad.) So the mad inside just stays there. Bottled up, bouncing to and fro, waiting to leak out through a harsh word or a barked command at my toddler or to turn my sigh of frustration over a crying baby into a scream of anger. It's always there, pushing at the edges of my conversations with my husband, trying to hone my words into weapons and wound with intractable insults.

But why? This isn't me. I'm not an angry person! I hate - hate- this mad in me. I want it out and I want it to not come back. I want to not look at the clock and be instantly furious. I want to step into my kitchen and not have fury flash into my heart over the cold, damp awfulness that my landlord allows to seep in through the non-functional door. I want to watch the news and not want to commit assault when I hear about the multitudes of people looking for someone else to blame for problems that can be over come with hard work. I. Just. Don't. Want. To. Be. Mad.

I don't want to growl angry hateful words about people who don't do their jobs and make my husband pick up their slack. I don't want to compare our paycheck to someone else's and think about how much more work we do to earn ours. I don't want to leave one job behind for another and have bitterness and scorn taint the good memories we've made.

Grrrr, go away, Mad!

I am happy with so much in my life. Beyond happy. I'm completely content and, as I said, so grateful for so much, that I guess I should probably embrace the stupid mad and be thankful that I can be mad that my husband works absurd hours because it means I want him here, home with us, instead. I guess that anger highlights how much I love him and his presence. I should learn from the frustration with this house and apply it to the next time we pick out a place to live...

But come on; I don't need week after week of a crappy work schedule or cockroach roommates to teach me life lessons! I get it!

Grrr!

I don't mind being mad when I can use it to do something positive... to be proactive or to make a change or something like that. But this mad just sits there... it's like the pain of childbirth versus the pain of a migraine... one is productive and has an amazing outcome and the other is just plain, stupid, pointless pain. This - what I'm dealing with - is like an anger migraine. Pointless and painful for no good reason.

I don't know. Maybe this will help. Bitching to you all 3 about it. I'm sorry. I am. I feel bad griping and moaning and whining because this is my funny place. This blog is my laugh at myself and see all the good in things place and I'm yucking it up with my mad. Do you ever feel that way? Just mad? How the heck do I get past it? What I want is a punching bag. What I've got are some plaster walls that (I tried) don't really like getting punched and will most certainly hurt you back. I've got a pile of leftover Halloween candy and some absolutely adorable kids to snuggle and that does help. But as soon as I'm not cuddling them in my arms, that stupid anger migraine pops up again and undoes all the good my babies' presence has done. So what to do? Wait for it to go away? Ack.

*sigh*

So in the meantime, I'll get my funny on again and find my laugh deep down, underneath the cursing and growling, and step my game on up. Promise. Hold me to that.

18 comments:

Alan, Bobbi, Hank & Belle said...

Melissa -I don't need your negativity in my positive bubble that I live in so I don't think we can be friends any more....

luv ya :)

Amanda said...

I totally understand the unexplained mad. I have my moments (days) that I am just angry or frustrated for a reason I do not know. I hope you are able to come out it and enjoy those beautiful babies and wonderful toddler. Keep on snuggling them and remind yourself hourly all that you are thankful for.

Wendy said...

You are allowed to be angry. I know sometimes I just NEED to be angry. I can't explain why. It just makes me feel better.
Plus, it is your blog and you can be angry if you want to be.

Bellismom said...

I understand completely! I get this way quite often. Ever since my ex-husband and I split and we moved in with my mom and dad I just get furious sometimes about my ex-husband being able to go on with his life and me being stuck here at my parents not being able to do anything since Isabelle can't go do daycare and therefore I can't get a job. Ugh!!! I totally get it!

The (Un)Experienced Mom said...

Good for you for getting that out! Did it help at all? (OK, a bit of therapist coming out here). That was almost like a "goodbye" letter - a technique we often use in counseling to help someone let go of something (I am posting one of those posts this week myself).

And you do have a reason to be mad! Mad is not a bad feeling even though everyone says it is, it's just a feeling. Sure it doesn't make us all warm and fuzzy inside, but it makes us think about things and possibly make changes. So what you don't have it as bad as others. It's still not your ideal world and you shouldn't feel bad feeling the way you do! (OK, taking the therapist hat off now).

I am sorry you feel this way. I'll try to get a funny post up this week so you can do some more laughing, k? ;-)

P.S. Changed my blog address to www.theunexperiencedmom.com (just spreading that new news).

Peanut said...

There is nothing wrong with venting. It just shows you are normal. I get that angry mad a lot. Sometime it helps to sit in the car and just scream at top of your lungs. It helps. Of course, if you do it in the parking lot of Whole Foods you get a lot of funny looks from all the organic tree huggers who are embracing their inner peace.

Kate said...

Oh Melissa.... I totally understand where you're coming from! Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with LIFE...and I don't have three babies at home! It's exhausting always being positive right now, with Patrick gone. Sometimes I just want to vent to him and complain when I have a rough day, but then I feel guilty because he's at LEAST ten times busier than I am and more stressed out. The idea that sometimes you just need someone to give you a hug is totally true! Let me know if you ever want/need me to bring you some Starbucks to vent to another adult...I have thick skin, so I can handle you yelling at me for no reason!! :-)

Arizona Mamma said...

Listen here, I think your blog is an outlet for ALL things...not just your funny. Though your funny is pretty...well, funny. About the mad, absolutely happens to me. Sometimes I even think to myself that my being mad is unreasonable but it doesn't matter. Unless you like to work out, I would say let it run its course. I work out quite a bit, and it seems to be my release. I highly recommend it. Of course, I go at night after my husband is home from work and the kids are in bed. I takes some of our time together away, but it is something I need for me. Or I fear I would go insane. If that doesn't work for you, then just vent. Like you did tonight. We can all relate.

Nicole said...

I think we've all been there...definitely can be frustrating to have this looming feeling of frustration with life in general. Hang in there, know it will pass soon enough. And if it doesn't pass soon, add some chocolate and wine to the mix, that always cheers me up ;0)

Candice said...

I totally understand what you are going through. We are renting a house here and so much is falling apart. The landlord keeps sending over contractors who don't know what they're doing. I so sick of this crappy house, and contractors in the house, and suff not getting fixed, and my landlord's excuses....I could go on and on. I'm so glad we're moving home and out of this house!! Hang in there sister. I hope you feel better after a good vent!

Kate said...

You should punch somebody. Wait.. I'll send you a list of people's names ;-)

Big hugs to you, sweet sister. I spent most of this year feeling deep anger and it isn't pretty.

Thinking of you today.

Melis said...

My gosh, thanks everyone, for being so supportive... ugh I feel like a total lame-o for being grouchy. I love that you all made me feel better! Thank you!

And Kate, send me that list!

Heidi said...

I have been there, obviously my circumstances were different but I was oh so angry. I don't know what the solution is, but I can sympathize with where you are. Hang in there.

Kaleena said...

I think we all feel the same way every once in awhile. You are allowed to be angry sometimes, but it's good to see that you are trying to stop yourself from feeling that way and you are not allowing yourself to hold on to that anger. Smiles to you:) Hope you feel better soon.

Tanya said...

Girl, be mad. Sometimes you need to. Besides, it's obviously having some opposite effects on you too...making you see the blessings in your life. But shoot...you're only human...it's ok to get mad sometimes!

Jeremy, Brandi, Josie, Rhett, & Rheve said...

Just found your blog and can totally relate to your post. Some days it's easy to focus on the negatives! I hope your days get better soon!

Keeslermom said...

I can totally sympathize with being mad at jobs and houses. I have those teeth clenching moments at least once a day. Well, once a day would be a really good day. A bad day is mommy hiding in the bathroom so she doesn't scream at people. Sort of a big girl time out.

PS-I answered your comment/question on my blog in the comment section.

Tori said...

At some point or another we experience this. I tend to blame it on not having enough sex but what are you gonna do when there's not enough time in a day. I'm waiting to blow up on a fellow blogger but don't know if the time is right. We'll see. I try to bring the funny out as well...maybe we can bring it out together...I need more interesting blogger friends:)

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