Monday, January 4, 2010

Not Me! Monday

So, it's been awhile since I've joined MckMama in her weekly blog carnival in which we all revel in our innocence and perfection.  Indeed, it's time for Not Me! Monday, so please, join in if you'd like or just let me know what all you (ahem) haven't been up to.




Well, first of all, since you have all been no doubt reading my blog for a little while, you know that I am the hippest, coolest, most fabulous mom that ever birthed 3 children, so it must not come as any surprise for you to know that I made sure to ring in 2010 in the most stylish of ways and that I would absolutely not ever dream of putting the children to bed, watching a quarter of a football game, and retiring to bed by 10 pm instead of some much more glamorous revelry.  That kind of lame boringness is reserved for moms who probably also wear the same jeans for a week straight and shower every 3 days and pass off a knot of hair wrapped with an elastic band as an "up-do"... and we all know that I'm absolutely NOT guilty of that.

Nor would I, super-mom who tackles all house-hold chores with an alacrity befitting some kind of domestic goddess, ever be too lazy to puree chicken in multiple batches and instead cram multiple pounds of cooked chicken thighs into the blender at once, producing more smoke than baby-food.  Someone like that is clearly a rookie baby-food maker, as a pro like myself would never over-work a prized kitchen appliance in a show of sloppy short-cutting simply to get to bed by 10 pm on New Year's Eve.  Pah.

Speaking of kitchen blunders...

Do you know what that is?  That is a pile of uncooked macaroni pasta on top of a burner on a flat-top stove.  It appears that some idiot (NOT me, mind you!) placed a gigantic, 7-lb bag of pasta on the back burner of the stove whilst attempting to heat the giant pot of water into which said pasta was supposed to go.  However, instead of turning the knob for the front burner, The Idiot must have turned the knob for the backm burner, heating first the plastic bag to melting point and then igniting the pasta on the bottom so that it began to smolder and produce (what must have been) a horrible smell, alerting all to the presence of burning(?) pasta.  Imagine (and I can only) the surprise when The Idiot attempted to get the pasta away from the source of the heat by picking the bag up from the top only to have the whole contents of the bag pour out the (burned/melted-out) bottom, bringing even MORE pasta into contact with the burner.  I mean, wow.  I can't tell you how glad I am that I don't have to be the one who, at parties and other social gatherings, can spark up (har har) a conversation by saying, "You know, hard as it is to believe, macaroni is flammable.  Trust me, I've done it!"   

And for one, final instance of "gosh-I'm-glad-I'm-not-that-stupid" brilliance, I'll leave you with the assurance that any woman who makes a comment like the following is probably not going to score above 80 on an IQ test.  Picture, if you will, a mother gazing intently at one of her infant daughters and noticing all the little details like curve of the nose and presence of dimples, shape of eyebrows, etc.  Then imagine her sighing and remarking to her husband, "You know, she has my this and your that... It's funny... she kind of looks like what you'd get if you and I somehow I don't know... mixed ourselves. You know?"  It doesn't even matter that seconds later it dawned on her that wow! that's exactly what happens when two people make a baby and 50% of each person's DNA winds up in their offspring.  It does not, in fact, matter that she smacked her forehead and admitted stupidity and laughed (albeit weakly) at her own moronic observation because her husband now has that ammunition forever and ever... you know, just in case that same woman fails to mention her pasta pyrotechnics at some social event in the future or neglects to own up to blender abuse when touting her domestic resume.

It imparts upon my heart a certain amount of levity when I marvel at what an absolute shit-show some people can be while I sit here, in my cute outfit, typing with manicured nails, sipping gourmet coffee, enjoying my clean, organized home.  I just thank the powers that be that such a disaster is... well, Not Me!

9 comments:

Candice said...

Welcome back. What a funny post. I am on a blogging hiatus. Just don't feel like it, so I'm not!

Kate said...

Oh my! I laughed so hard at your maccaroni disaster! I have ruined a couple of pots and a half dozen burner covers doing just that!

Oh Melis...I love you so.

Arizona Mamma said...

This has to be one of the most well written not me's ever! I'm not going to be trite and say something like "I have not done anything like that. Because, well, I just have!

Peanut said...

Setting kitchen aplliances on fire is my specialty: breadmaker that I borrowed from my Mother-in-Law went up in flames after doubling the recipe (seemed logical at that time), hand held mixer going up in flames while I was working it (I blamed that on poor appliance. Setting dry spaghetti on fire before it made it into the pan.

I most definitely didn't start sobbing mid-work out because my stomach was looking so ugly and I most certainly didn't just give up and crawl into the shower. Today life suddenly seems hopeless but that's not here or there.

Tanya said...

OMG...I miss you. Funny Lady.

Misty said...

ha ha ha ha ha love it! I never ever ever forgot a pot of rice on the stove in Charleston while trying to get Jack to stop crying and then stuck the pot outside my side door all burnt and nasty to then later have you stop by to drop off your keys for me to watch your bunnies and be left in total embarrassment that you had it all together, smelling good with a nice hairdo while I stood there in sweats with crap hair and a burned pot, never not me, not ever! ;)

Peanut said...

Thank you! Now I have a blogging question: how do I get it to put the picture below the paragraph? It seems that no matter what I do it always sticks it above the paragraph and I don't want that. The only options the editor gives me is to put it to the side. Any suggestions?

Queen Bee said...

Ok this just cracked me up!!

The Iowa Farmer's Wife said...

Oh my goodness, that so sounds like something I would do! (the macaroni incident!) I am constantly burning something. 2 nights ago it was tortilla chips I was making. They ended up on the patio (and we opened 2 doors to make a wind tunnel to get the stench out..and it's -2 degrees here!).
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

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